I moved to fort st. john and ruined my life.

My friends back home are slowly forgetting about me and have been contacting me less and less as their lives move on (the inevitable) my boyfriends in camp and I have all the comforts of being single without being able to act on it. My only friends are my coworkers (two people). One who I can barely stand as she belittles me everyday.

Everything in the town shuts down at 5pm so theres really nothing to do after work and summer lasted 3 weeks (maybe) they’ve even shut down all the semi-alright running trails due to the weather. I’m not making enough money to save or live off of as my career of choice isn’t sought after here like it is in major cities. The only way to get ahead here is to be in some sort of trade. Which also means the town is dominated by testosterone and strip clubs.

In summary: not a fan.

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Loosing my shit. 

I took the day off from work and lied that I was sick. Really I’m having a small mental breakdown because I miss my family and friends. I’ve been texting them all day and they miss me too, this makes me cry even harder. I have no food in my house but can’t leave cause I can’t stop crying. I was supposed to move back home if it didn’t work out here, but the pressure to stay and make it work is incredibly heavy and overpowers my options. 

Drowning.

I feel like I’m drowning in the inevitable burden of becoming an adult. Bills. Working. Going to school. Trying to make friends. Moving to a place I still don’t know anyone. My crippling self confidence. I hate complaining about it, but the way I look is ruining my ability to do anything. I quit smoking in march but I succumbed today and had a cigarette on my porch. It was a nice familiar feeling, but I also felt like I was eliminating my hard work. Nothing else feels that familiar, and it makes me miss everything before I moved. 

Youth.

I miss being free, not in a relationship sense but in a youthfulness sense. I feel like I’m growing up to fast and I’m missing out on traveling, having fun with friends and generally being my age. 

identity crisis?

I only write when I feel the need to, something has enraged, irritated, or disgruntled my being. I feel like I’ m loosing my self identity in another person, and I’m finding it hard to be on my own. I have gone almost two months without make-up and as a female millennial, its been no picnic. My only feelings of self- confidence and belonging are deriving now from my significant other, and most days I don’t leave the house by myself, other than to go to work. It’s crippling my ability to do things on my own. I am also new to town and don’t know anyone, which is also terrifying still after three months of being here. I’m not sad in the same ways anymore, there are different things to be sad about now from when I first moved. I’m a mess.

When I’m writing people tend to listen, when I’m talking I’m disregarded and it’s so odd. When I’m speaking and trying to convey my position in a tone I find trustworthy and real, is taken as nothing and disregarded as an angry feminist. That in truth should mean more than words, I get angry and frustrated. I no longer know how to contain this and that makes me an angry feminist, makes me despise others and creates a divid. It’s unfair to all. All who live. 

It’s fine to be influenced by others, but to loose your self identity is when you know it’s not healthy. That’s a powerful feeling, and it’s a vortex of grasping at painful straws. 

I think the world is full of people who are selfish and those who can’t find they’re own way. Those are the ones with heavy hearts who adapt to they’re surroundings so deeply they believe they are the selfish ones.